The Last of the Court Appearances

Well, I should not have been surprised. The ending, at least of this phase of the ordeal, was much as the rest of the process so far. The prosecutor's office forgot to notify me of the disposition hearing. So, neither I nor my daughter got an opportunity to say anything before the court rendered its opinion and disposition.

The disposition was that the neighbor boy is to have no contact with my daughter, no unsupervised contact with children younger than some specified age - I don't remember - and there are safeguards in place in the home, so that he can't be wandering around in the house without his parents knowing about it, etc. There is some sort of professional counseling as well. And, at any time, if he violates the restrictions, he will immediately be incarcerated for a minimum of one year.

There was a follow-up hearing on July 31st. I was able to speak at that one, since we weren't invited to the disposition hearing. My daughter wanted to speak, too, up until about 3 days before the hearing. I felt much the same way, but went anyway.

I told them that we were friends with these people, or at least had been, and that when the issue came to light, it was devastating to us all. All we wanted was for the children to get the help that they needed - all of the children. Almost immediately, though, as soon as I sought help from anyone, all control of the situation was taken away from us, and the result seemed a bit like killing a fly with a sledge hammer. [I don't know why, but I still have great sympathy for what that family must be going through, and I still think maybe the boy may also be a victim. I hope he yet gets the help he needs.]

I told them that my daughter wanted to tell them how much she missed playing with her best friend, and that she was no longer angry with the boy.

Of course, I was totally blubbering through all of it.

After I spoke, the boy's parents and the boy each had opportunities to speak. None of them ever turned to say a word to me. There was no acknowledgement at all of what I had said. I was a bit shocked and dismayed by that.

I suspect that those two best friends, who have been practically inseparable since about age 3, will never see each other again, except perhaps in passing. It's very sad.

Thanks for reading. I'll update again if there are any future developments as a result of all of this. I expect there to be some issues when my daughter is a teen. We'll see.

Plea Hearing

The plea hearing was today. NB admitted to one charge of felony rape and 1 or 2 charges of GSI. (I'll have to check my notes.) The good news in that is that DD will not have to testify in court. She will not have to tell her story again, unless she wants to at some point in time.

The prosecutor wanted the one rape charge, because it would require the detailed sexual offender evaluation period before disposition of the case. There is a thick booklet of questions to be posed and answered. The prosecutor said I would be surprised at the answers they sometimes get.

Children who have been abused themselves will often answer TRUE to questions like the following:

True or False: Touching a child in a sexual way shows that you love them.
True or False: Doing sexual things to or with a child is okay if you don't hurt the child physically.

The purpose of the I and R (Investigation and Referral) evaluation is to determine how likely NB is to be a repeat offender.

After that process is complete (should be 4-6 weeks), then there will be a disposition hearing.

I or my daughter, or both of us, may speak at that hearing before the judge declares the disposition of the case. I will probably talk about some of what I posted earlier with regard to my frustrations with the process and how little control I had over that process as the parent of the victim.

As it turns out, my daughter says she also wants to speak. We'll talk more between now and then, so that I can get a better idea of what she might want to say, either to the judge, to the boy, or to his parents. We'll see where that goes.

Third Pretrial

The third pretrial was this morning. It was a waste of time. The defense attorney had not presented any plea options to the family. So, the prosecutor again, more formally, made a plea agreement offer, and it will be taken to the family. The 4th and final pretrial will be January 29th at 11:30a.m.

If I were a cynical person, I'd say the defense attorney is playing around to pad his billable hours to the family. But, I'm not a cynical person, so I won't say that.

The prosecutor did say that while there are a variety of combinations of charges that would work, she won't settle for less than one count of rape. That will result in the full sexual offender evaluation process, etc. That takes 4-6 weeks, and the disposition will follow that.

Sigh.

Second Pretrial

The second pretrial was yesterday afternoon. Again, I went, though I can't actually be present for the discussions. I can only get an update from the prosecutor and the victim's advocate after the fact.

I was surprised by this one. At the previous pretrial, motions for discovery were filed, meaning that all the evidence to be used at trial would be made available to the defense attorney. I assumed that the hand-over of the evidence would happen between that pretrial and this one. It didn't.

After yesterday's pretrial, I got the report that the evidence was given to the defense, and the third and final pretrial is scheduled for January 7th. At that time, the defendant will either admit to some or all charges or deny them all. There may be some bargaining that happens if I am present to participate. For example, he may be willing to admit to lesser or fewer charges. In that case, the prosecutor will be running back and forth between rooms to carry out the negotiations. I will still not be in the same room where the discussions are taking place.

If he denies - the trial will be scheduled.

If he admits to the charges or if some sort of plea bargain is agreed to, then there will be a lengthy sex offender evaluation performed (like 6 weeks or more), after which there will be a disposition hearing scheduled (I think). I'm kind of getting the process information as we go along, rather than any type of comprehensive overview at the beginning.

My daughter is fine. She is mostly concerned with the fact that she STILL cannot play with her best friend. She did pass the offender on the street the other day walking home from the bus, but he didn't say anything to her - just frowned at her. She was okay with that.

My own tension level has increased. This is just one factor of many, but I now have big knots in the muscles of my shoulders, and the result is a severe and painful stiff neck. Sleep is difficult. Driving is painful. By the time the kids are in bed for the night, I can hardly move. So, I can't get anything done in those precious hours. I have to stop the intake of ibuprofin, as it is now upsetting my stomach. I've been eating it like candy.

I lost my pocket calendar, so I'm totally messed up schedule-wise. We missed a counselling appointment and got a notification in the mail that her case would be closed if we didn't call back within 10 days. I called back. The therapist is off on medical leave and her voicemail is not taking any messages. I need to contact someone else in the facility. Ugh. Now, the 10 days have passed, and I find myself not really caring. My daughter is doing great, for now. I'll call them again when I get a chance, but I'm not going to worry about it too much.

The holidays are upon us. If I can manage to get the tree decorated and the shopping done, I'll be thrilled. All will be well.

Happy Holidays, everyone! The next update will likely be after the first of the year.

First Pretrial

The first pretrial was this afternoon. I attended even though I cannot actually be present for any of the proceedings. When I get there, they usher me into a private waiting room, and after all the doings are done, they come in and tell me what happened. I could get the same from a phone call, but somehow feel the absolute need to be there, to be physically engaged in the process. Weird, but that's the way it is.

First, the boy and his family had to take care of some business with the clerk of courts. Since there was no arraignment, they needed to arrange to get his birth certificate, etc.

After that, the prosecutor met with the boy's defense attorney. This was simply done in a meeting room, much like the one in which I waited. It was not in a courtroom. The defense attorney will be filing discovery papers, and the prosecutor will subsequently give him copies of all of the police reports, interview transcripts, medical evidence and photos, etc. - everything to which he is legally entitled, whatever that might all be. She (the prosecutor) told him that she had met with me and with my daughter and that my DD (dear daughter) will make an excellent witness. She said that she had no doubt that the specified incidents actually took place. In so many words, but without any commitment of any kind, the defense attorney indicated that he didn't expect the boy to deny what happened.

While not something to bank on, that surely sounds like good news. It could well mean that my daughter will not have to testify. I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

I also found out that NB (neighbor boy) has already been in counseling, and the counselor and the case worker from Children's Services have now declared that he can go home. There will be some things put in place to ensure the safety of his sisters, but I was told not to be surprised if I start seeing him around much more. I wasn't really bothered by that. He doesn't try to come over or communicate with us in any way, so....

DD has softened a bit, too. Her anger is dying away. During our bedtime discussion last night, she agreed that she wanted NB to get help, but that she didn't want him to "go to jail" (her words). This boy has been a neighbor and friend since DD was about 2 years old. She cares about him, as do I. My fear is that he, too, has been victimized, and may need as much help as my daughter needs, or more. I just want to see that he gets it. Somehow, in my gut, putting him into a residential treatment program with other juvenile sex offenders, just does NOT seem like the best thing for him. The prosecutor and the victim's advocate do not understand that sentiment from us, but that's the way it is. DD really, really, REALLY wants to be able to play with her best friend again. She doesn't care about much else right now.

The next pre-trial is scheduled for December 3, 2008, after the defense attorney has had the opportunity to see all of the evidence. The boy could plead to some (or all) charges at that time, in which case he'd be referred for evaluation, before a sentencing hearing would be scheduled.

Between now and the next pre-trial, the prosecutor expects to interview NB's little sister, who was also a victim. Two of the GSI (gross sexual imposition) charges applied to her as a victim.

DD is doing fine with all of this - better than I am. I'm ready for bed. Almost as soon as I arrived at the courthouse today, I had a splitting headache. I think there is more stress here than I am aware.

Thanks to all for the ongoing prayers and support. Both are much appreciated.

An ounce of prevention...

How can we attempt to prevent sexual abuse of children. Read on.... Convicted abusers were surveyed, and they by and large said this approach WOULD have prevented them from abusing the children they abused.

Sit down as a family. Have the child draw the outline of their hand on a piece of paper. Then, on each finger write the name of one trusted adult. Let them choose the people, with a bit of guidance from parents/guardians. This the their own personal "Helping Hand." Put a phone number with each name, if the child is old enough to know how to make a phone call.

Tell the child that if anything happens that breaks the "Nobody is allowed..." rule (see earlier post), they should immediately tell TWO of the people on their helping hand. If nothing happens to stop the offenses, they should tell another and another until something happens.

Then, and THIS is the part that does the trick, tell EVERYONE you know that you have done this, and that you have a plan in place. Tell the 5 adults that they are on the child's helping hand.

Perpetrators say that if they had known that such a plan was in place for their victims, they would not have abused at least that victim.

You might ask: How could they possibly know that there is a plan in place?

Answer: Because YOU JUST TOLD THEM. You announced the plan to all your family and friends, etc. Again, and this is no lie, 90-95% of all sexual abuse of children comes from family or people with CLOSE family ties. Tell EVERYONE about the plan. Announce it. Decorate the helping hands and post them on the wall so people will ask you about them. It's so simple.

Don't teach them "Don't let anyone..."

The most important thing I learned at the beginning of this whole mess was that you should NOT teach your children "Don't let anyone .... (whatever)." If you do, then when "whatever" happens, they feel like they are at fault for "letting someone...." They are, then, much less likely to report the incident. They think that THEY are going to get in trouble.

Teach them instead: "No one is allowed...." This empowers them to tell the perpetrator, "You are not allowed to do that! I'm gonna tell."

We (now) use the following:

"No one is allowed to touch my private parts, except to keep me healthy, or to keep me clean."

This covers doctors and nurses, and moms/dads/sitters doing normal help with bath time and potty time.

The kids need to understand the "no one" means "not Mom, not Dad, not Aunt Sue, not...."

"No one" means absolutely "No one."

Meeting the prosecutor...

I took my daughter to meet the prosecutor this afternoon. Now that we know the case is moving forward and that she may be expected to testify, it's time to learn a bit about what to expect. She asked DD (dear daughter) some simple questions, the likes of which she might hear in a competency hearing, where it would be determined if she knows the difference between the truth and a lie. Example: If I tell you that this wall is blue, would that be the truth or a lie?

She explained that although NB (neighbor boy) would be in the room for the trial, DD wouldn't necessarily have to look at him while she answered questions. She could look down, or at her mom, or straight at the prosecutor or anywhere she wanted. At some point, she would be asked if NB is in the courtroom, and to point him out and say what he's wearing.

She let us know that it was likely that there would be additional delays to the case. We should not be surprised if there are additional postponements. I guess they are extremely common.

She believes that DD will be an excellent witness, and that the fact that she has already met and talked with her will help her when she first talks to the defense attorney about the case.

I'm still hoping that NB will admit to at least some of the charges and reach a plea agreement with the prosecutor, so that DD won't have to testify at all. I'm not holding my breath for that, though.

The first pretrial is scheduled for October 29th.

The day of arraignment

The day of the arraignment has come and gone. There was no court appearance. The defense attorney was unavailable, so he filed the denial of charges procedurally. I guess this is allowable, but rare, at least in this court. Because of the lack of courtroom proceedings, the almost automatic "no contact" order that is normally issued at the time of arraignment was not issued. The boy has not tried to come over into our yard or to talk to my daughter in any way, and I'm not really worried that he will, so I shouldn't be annoyed at this, but I am. I went to the courthouse and waited, only to be told that there were no proceedings.

The prosecuting attorney is a pleasant young woman. She wants to meet my daughter, so we set up an appointment for that.

The first pre-trial, where they will work on discovery, is scheduled for October 29th.

The prosecutor has decided...

The case will be prosecuted in juvenile court. My neighbor boy is being charged with 4 counts of GSI (gross sexual imposition) and 3 counts of rape. I didn't know that penetration other than penile penetration would be considered rape, but it is. Two of the counts of GSI apply to his conduct with his own younger sister. He's been removed from the home since shortly after this was reported, for the safety of both of his younger sisters. He's living in another town about 25 miles away, with an older brother. We see him over there on weekends. It still makes me seethe with anger to see him. I hope that will pass. I have to keep reminding myself that he, too, may be a victim in need of lots of help.

I do not get to attend any of the juvenile proceedings unless and until I or my daughter are subpoenaed to testify. I can go, and wait in a room on another floor, for the prosecuting attorney to come tell me what happened, but because it's a juvenile proceeding, I cannot be present. Interesting.

The BEST advice I got...

Just after I found out about the abuse, I contacted my sister, who was out of town on business at the time, but who sent me the best advice I've ever gotten via a text message to my cell phone.

"Start a journal. Write down everything that happens, everything that is said, by whom, and when. Keep track of every detail. You'll want it later."

She was so right. When I was interviewed by the policeman, just before my daughter's interview, he started asking me questions, and I kept checking my notes. He asked to see them, and was amazed. He kept a copy for the evidence in the case. It was the one smart thing I did, and it wasn't even my own idea.

Thanks, sis!!

So, you got the call. Now what!?

Your child has told you that a neighbor child, a child like a member of the family, her best friend's brother, one of her babysitters, has sexually molested her. He has touched her with various pieces of toy cookware. He has exposed himself to her. He has penetrated her with both a finger and with the handle of one of the toys. He has asked her to lick that finger. There is more, but that's enough for the purposes of this discussion.

Now what do you do? You already thought that your daughter might be getting a vaginal infection, and now you know why! Dear God in Heaven, why couldn't it have been a simple yeast infection.

You believe every word your daughter says. She's too young to know enough to make any of it up. And, her best friend, the boy's younger sister, corroborates the story. He had both girls involved.

You call the boy's mother. She's with the kids, and not at home, so she can only listen as you tell her that her son is no longer allowed in your yard, and why. She hangs up and goes somewhere to throw up. Then she manages to talk to her son and call you back. He admits to most of what your daugher has said. Not all, but most.

So, now you know that your daughter needs help. You wonder where in the world this wonderful (as far as you previously knew) boy could have picked up any notion of such behavior. You know that it doesn't come from nowhere. He's not a 7 year old experimenting. He's 13. There is at least a decent possibility that he, too, is a victim. And, if he's been a victim long enough to become a perpetrator, he probably needs help as much as, or more than your daughter. How do you proceed?

Well, I'll tell you what I learned. As soon as you ask anyone what your options are, it will be reported to Children's Services. Anyone you could possibly talk to, is mandated by law to report the incident. Doctors, attorneys, counselors, clergy, teachers, etc. They all have to report it immediately.

You can call the hotline at Children's Services and ask them about what the process will be if you report something. That can be anonymous. I did that, but I had already asked the doctor to see my daughter and the doctor refused, saying that I had to call Children's Services immediately.

Now, I know why the urgency - because the doctor was going to call the next morning.

When I talked to Children's Services, I found out the following things:

• because the boy is 13 years old, the police will automatically be involved
• my daughter will have to be interviewed by a case worker from Children's Services and by a policeman
• as soon as it's reported, I, as the parent of the victim, have almost zero control over the process. There is no option to not involve the police, to not press charges, to request counseling only, to keep my daughter out of it, etc. I have only one option. I can refuse to allow my daughter to be interviewed, but the case will move ahead with or without that. And, if I refuse, it looks bad - like I may have been enabling whatever abuse has taken place.
• when my daughter is interviewed, I may not be present in the room, I may not watch on a closed-circuit TV, I may not have a transcript - nothing. I was furious at this. How in the world can I deal with my daughter's bedtime fears if I cannot know what went on in that interview room earlier in the day? I called my attorney.

I had not yet gotten a response from my attorney, when the case worker from Children's Services showed up at my door. I was not ready for this ball to start rolling, and once it starts, there is no stopping it.

I later talked to another attorney, who told me about my one and only option, mentioned above. Not much help there.

So, we went to the local Children's Advocacy Center, where the case worker and the policeman both interviewed my daughter together. I have nothing but praise for the CAC, but more about that later.

She told her whole story. They talked to me both before and after her interview. She told them just about exactly the things that I had told them that she had told me, with almost no variance in detail. They later interviewed the boy's sister, who was also involved, and she turned out to be an even better witness than my daugher. She was not embarrassed and was very matter-of-fact about what had happened.

What's next? My daughter needs a physical exam, promised to be non-invasive, and then reports from the policeman and from the medical professional go to the prosecutor's office and it may take some weeks for a determination. If they decide to prosecute, and if the boy denies the charges, my daughter may be required to testify before a magistrate, with the boy in the room.

When the case worker from Children's Services arrived at my door, almost my first words to her were that I do not want the solution to be worse than the abuse. Oh, if I had only known then what I know now!

The non-invasive physical exam was one that *I* would not have wanted to endure. Much touching with a Q-tip - "Did he touch you here? Did he touch you here? How about here?" High-resolution digital photography and high intensity lighting, with associated physical manipulation and pulling of labia to allow the camera to get a close-up shot of damage to the hymen.

My daughter is only 7 years old, for God's sake!!

And now we wait.

FACT: 90-95% of all sexual abuse of children...

90-95% of all sexual abuse of children is perpetrated by family, close friends, babysitter, teacher, clergy - SOMEONE with close ties to the family and well-trusted by the child.

You can teach your children about "stranger danger" until your face turns blue, and it won't help them one iota if someone they love does something horrible to them.

This blog is to educate parents and start conversations.

What can you do to prevent sexual abuse?

What happens when it's discovered?

How do you clean up the mess left behind?

I don't have lots of answers, but I do have experiences to share. Read on...