So, you got the call. Now what!?

Your child has told you that a neighbor child, a child like a member of the family, her best friend's brother, one of her babysitters, has sexually molested her. He has touched her with various pieces of toy cookware. He has exposed himself to her. He has penetrated her with both a finger and with the handle of one of the toys. He has asked her to lick that finger. There is more, but that's enough for the purposes of this discussion.

Now what do you do? You already thought that your daughter might be getting a vaginal infection, and now you know why! Dear God in Heaven, why couldn't it have been a simple yeast infection.

You believe every word your daughter says. She's too young to know enough to make any of it up. And, her best friend, the boy's younger sister, corroborates the story. He had both girls involved.

You call the boy's mother. She's with the kids, and not at home, so she can only listen as you tell her that her son is no longer allowed in your yard, and why. She hangs up and goes somewhere to throw up. Then she manages to talk to her son and call you back. He admits to most of what your daugher has said. Not all, but most.

So, now you know that your daughter needs help. You wonder where in the world this wonderful (as far as you previously knew) boy could have picked up any notion of such behavior. You know that it doesn't come from nowhere. He's not a 7 year old experimenting. He's 13. There is at least a decent possibility that he, too, is a victim. And, if he's been a victim long enough to become a perpetrator, he probably needs help as much as, or more than your daughter. How do you proceed?

Well, I'll tell you what I learned. As soon as you ask anyone what your options are, it will be reported to Children's Services. Anyone you could possibly talk to, is mandated by law to report the incident. Doctors, attorneys, counselors, clergy, teachers, etc. They all have to report it immediately.

You can call the hotline at Children's Services and ask them about what the process will be if you report something. That can be anonymous. I did that, but I had already asked the doctor to see my daughter and the doctor refused, saying that I had to call Children's Services immediately.

Now, I know why the urgency - because the doctor was going to call the next morning.

When I talked to Children's Services, I found out the following things:

• because the boy is 13 years old, the police will automatically be involved
• my daughter will have to be interviewed by a case worker from Children's Services and by a policeman
• as soon as it's reported, I, as the parent of the victim, have almost zero control over the process. There is no option to not involve the police, to not press charges, to request counseling only, to keep my daughter out of it, etc. I have only one option. I can refuse to allow my daughter to be interviewed, but the case will move ahead with or without that. And, if I refuse, it looks bad - like I may have been enabling whatever abuse has taken place.
• when my daughter is interviewed, I may not be present in the room, I may not watch on a closed-circuit TV, I may not have a transcript - nothing. I was furious at this. How in the world can I deal with my daughter's bedtime fears if I cannot know what went on in that interview room earlier in the day? I called my attorney.

I had not yet gotten a response from my attorney, when the case worker from Children's Services showed up at my door. I was not ready for this ball to start rolling, and once it starts, there is no stopping it.

I later talked to another attorney, who told me about my one and only option, mentioned above. Not much help there.

So, we went to the local Children's Advocacy Center, where the case worker and the policeman both interviewed my daughter together. I have nothing but praise for the CAC, but more about that later.

She told her whole story. They talked to me both before and after her interview. She told them just about exactly the things that I had told them that she had told me, with almost no variance in detail. They later interviewed the boy's sister, who was also involved, and she turned out to be an even better witness than my daugher. She was not embarrassed and was very matter-of-fact about what had happened.

What's next? My daughter needs a physical exam, promised to be non-invasive, and then reports from the policeman and from the medical professional go to the prosecutor's office and it may take some weeks for a determination. If they decide to prosecute, and if the boy denies the charges, my daughter may be required to testify before a magistrate, with the boy in the room.

When the case worker from Children's Services arrived at my door, almost my first words to her were that I do not want the solution to be worse than the abuse. Oh, if I had only known then what I know now!

The non-invasive physical exam was one that *I* would not have wanted to endure. Much touching with a Q-tip - "Did he touch you here? Did he touch you here? How about here?" High-resolution digital photography and high intensity lighting, with associated physical manipulation and pulling of labia to allow the camera to get a close-up shot of damage to the hymen.

My daughter is only 7 years old, for God's sake!!

And now we wait.