First Pretrial

The first pretrial was this afternoon. I attended even though I cannot actually be present for any of the proceedings. When I get there, they usher me into a private waiting room, and after all the doings are done, they come in and tell me what happened. I could get the same from a phone call, but somehow feel the absolute need to be there, to be physically engaged in the process. Weird, but that's the way it is.

First, the boy and his family had to take care of some business with the clerk of courts. Since there was no arraignment, they needed to arrange to get his birth certificate, etc.

After that, the prosecutor met with the boy's defense attorney. This was simply done in a meeting room, much like the one in which I waited. It was not in a courtroom. The defense attorney will be filing discovery papers, and the prosecutor will subsequently give him copies of all of the police reports, interview transcripts, medical evidence and photos, etc. - everything to which he is legally entitled, whatever that might all be. She (the prosecutor) told him that she had met with me and with my daughter and that my DD (dear daughter) will make an excellent witness. She said that she had no doubt that the specified incidents actually took place. In so many words, but without any commitment of any kind, the defense attorney indicated that he didn't expect the boy to deny what happened.

While not something to bank on, that surely sounds like good news. It could well mean that my daughter will not have to testify. I'm keeping my fingers crossed on that one.

I also found out that NB (neighbor boy) has already been in counseling, and the counselor and the case worker from Children's Services have now declared that he can go home. There will be some things put in place to ensure the safety of his sisters, but I was told not to be surprised if I start seeing him around much more. I wasn't really bothered by that. He doesn't try to come over or communicate with us in any way, so....

DD has softened a bit, too. Her anger is dying away. During our bedtime discussion last night, she agreed that she wanted NB to get help, but that she didn't want him to "go to jail" (her words). This boy has been a neighbor and friend since DD was about 2 years old. She cares about him, as do I. My fear is that he, too, has been victimized, and may need as much help as my daughter needs, or more. I just want to see that he gets it. Somehow, in my gut, putting him into a residential treatment program with other juvenile sex offenders, just does NOT seem like the best thing for him. The prosecutor and the victim's advocate do not understand that sentiment from us, but that's the way it is. DD really, really, REALLY wants to be able to play with her best friend again. She doesn't care about much else right now.

The next pre-trial is scheduled for December 3, 2008, after the defense attorney has had the opportunity to see all of the evidence. The boy could plead to some (or all) charges at that time, in which case he'd be referred for evaluation, before a sentencing hearing would be scheduled.

Between now and the next pre-trial, the prosecutor expects to interview NB's little sister, who was also a victim. Two of the GSI (gross sexual imposition) charges applied to her as a victim.

DD is doing fine with all of this - better than I am. I'm ready for bed. Almost as soon as I arrived at the courthouse today, I had a splitting headache. I think there is more stress here than I am aware.

Thanks to all for the ongoing prayers and support. Both are much appreciated.

An ounce of prevention...

How can we attempt to prevent sexual abuse of children. Read on.... Convicted abusers were surveyed, and they by and large said this approach WOULD have prevented them from abusing the children they abused.

Sit down as a family. Have the child draw the outline of their hand on a piece of paper. Then, on each finger write the name of one trusted adult. Let them choose the people, with a bit of guidance from parents/guardians. This the their own personal "Helping Hand." Put a phone number with each name, if the child is old enough to know how to make a phone call.

Tell the child that if anything happens that breaks the "Nobody is allowed..." rule (see earlier post), they should immediately tell TWO of the people on their helping hand. If nothing happens to stop the offenses, they should tell another and another until something happens.

Then, and THIS is the part that does the trick, tell EVERYONE you know that you have done this, and that you have a plan in place. Tell the 5 adults that they are on the child's helping hand.

Perpetrators say that if they had known that such a plan was in place for their victims, they would not have abused at least that victim.

You might ask: How could they possibly know that there is a plan in place?

Answer: Because YOU JUST TOLD THEM. You announced the plan to all your family and friends, etc. Again, and this is no lie, 90-95% of all sexual abuse of children comes from family or people with CLOSE family ties. Tell EVERYONE about the plan. Announce it. Decorate the helping hands and post them on the wall so people will ask you about them. It's so simple.

Don't teach them "Don't let anyone..."

The most important thing I learned at the beginning of this whole mess was that you should NOT teach your children "Don't let anyone .... (whatever)." If you do, then when "whatever" happens, they feel like they are at fault for "letting someone...." They are, then, much less likely to report the incident. They think that THEY are going to get in trouble.

Teach them instead: "No one is allowed...." This empowers them to tell the perpetrator, "You are not allowed to do that! I'm gonna tell."

We (now) use the following:

"No one is allowed to touch my private parts, except to keep me healthy, or to keep me clean."

This covers doctors and nurses, and moms/dads/sitters doing normal help with bath time and potty time.

The kids need to understand the "no one" means "not Mom, not Dad, not Aunt Sue, not...."

"No one" means absolutely "No one."

Meeting the prosecutor...

I took my daughter to meet the prosecutor this afternoon. Now that we know the case is moving forward and that she may be expected to testify, it's time to learn a bit about what to expect. She asked DD (dear daughter) some simple questions, the likes of which she might hear in a competency hearing, where it would be determined if she knows the difference between the truth and a lie. Example: If I tell you that this wall is blue, would that be the truth or a lie?

She explained that although NB (neighbor boy) would be in the room for the trial, DD wouldn't necessarily have to look at him while she answered questions. She could look down, or at her mom, or straight at the prosecutor or anywhere she wanted. At some point, she would be asked if NB is in the courtroom, and to point him out and say what he's wearing.

She let us know that it was likely that there would be additional delays to the case. We should not be surprised if there are additional postponements. I guess they are extremely common.

She believes that DD will be an excellent witness, and that the fact that she has already met and talked with her will help her when she first talks to the defense attorney about the case.

I'm still hoping that NB will admit to at least some of the charges and reach a plea agreement with the prosecutor, so that DD won't have to testify at all. I'm not holding my breath for that, though.

The first pretrial is scheduled for October 29th.

The day of arraignment

The day of the arraignment has come and gone. There was no court appearance. The defense attorney was unavailable, so he filed the denial of charges procedurally. I guess this is allowable, but rare, at least in this court. Because of the lack of courtroom proceedings, the almost automatic "no contact" order that is normally issued at the time of arraignment was not issued. The boy has not tried to come over into our yard or to talk to my daughter in any way, and I'm not really worried that he will, so I shouldn't be annoyed at this, but I am. I went to the courthouse and waited, only to be told that there were no proceedings.

The prosecuting attorney is a pleasant young woman. She wants to meet my daughter, so we set up an appointment for that.

The first pre-trial, where they will work on discovery, is scheduled for October 29th.